News Flash: Funeral home staff pry gun from Heston’s cold dead hands
LOS ANGELES, California - Spokesman for the Heston family announced today that Hollywood legend Charlton Heston’s rifle was finally pried from his cold dead hands on Saturday night at the age of 84. The spokesman declined to comment on the cause of Heston’s death.
When asked to comment on the difficulty of removing said weapon, Shady Oaks Funeral Home mortician Carl Smith stated, “Once I got past the rigamortis it wasn’t difficult at all. I just peeled back his fingers, and pulled his rifle right out.”
Funeral plans have not yet been finalized, but Heston’s body is expected to be processed into soylent green wafers and fed to the populace early this week. More as this story develops.
We’ll see your black candidate, and raise you a black female candidate
Washington D.C. - Faced with Hillary’s sliding poll numbers, and Barak Obama’s increasingly inevitable Democratic party nomination, Republican sources today floated the possibility of offering the Republican Vice Presidential slot to Secretary of State and black female Condoleezza Rice.
Said the source, “Dr. Rice has the perfect qualifications to run against either Barak or Clinton. She has years of verifiable foreign policy experience, she is a distinguished professor, and she combines the best of both worlds: she’s black AND a woman. How can the Democrats compete with that?”
When asked about Condi for Vice President, an high level official from the McCain camp responded, “Senator McCain could easily beat Hillary by himself. Outside of her core supporter group, who doesn’t hate her. To run against Barak, however, we need a secret weapon. With a McCain/Rice ticket you can quench your white liberal guilt while still fulfilling your crazy-old-man warmongering needs.”
Analysts believe that a McCain/Rice ticket could prover popular with independents. Independent Philadelphia voter Carleen Wakowski stated,”I really like John McCain, but Barak’s so inspiring. However, with with equally inspiring Condi on the ticket, I can definitely see myself voting for McCain. And with McCain being such an old candidate [McCain is 73], Condi could actually serve as President someday.”
When asked what the Republican contingency plan is should Dr. Rice decline the nomination, the unnamed Republican source responded, “We’re looking for a cross between a Latino and an Eskimo.”
Wal-Mart wins lawsuit with brain damaged employee, worst company in the world award
BENTONVILLE, Arkansas - After successfully suing mentally disabled former employee Debbie Shank for her medical lawsuit winnings. Wal-Mart today received notice that they are the recipient of the prestigious 2008 World’s Worst Company Award, more commonly known as the Nobel Prize for assholes.
“This is a huge deal”, says Wal-Mart spokesperson Brad Douché. “They don’t hand this award out to just any company. The winning company has to be callous, oblivious to their impact on the world, and the biggest bunch of assholes in the world that year. It takes the kind of company that anticipates the bad publicity their actions will result in, and despite that, says fuck it. And we here at Wal-Mart are honored to be that company.”
When asked to comment on Wal-Mart’s special achievement, Debbie’s husband remarked, “Walmart certainly deserves this award. The Worst Company in the World, that is, not the money that was set aside for my poor brain damaged wife’s long term care. We’d hoped that Wal-Mart would show some mercy and let us keep our settlement money to help care for Debbie, but in the end they showed why they truly deserve this award. The Worst Company in the World, that is, not my wife’s savings…Oh dear God our lives are ruined!”
The competition for Worst Company in the World was stiff this year, but in the end, it was no contest. In addition to the lawsuit, Wal-Mart has also been known to lock employees in the store overnight, turn a blind eye to child labor, and goes so far as to take life insurance policies out on it’s own employees.
Former winners of this coveted prize are ExxonMobile, Halliburton, and Microsoft.
When asked how a woman with severe brain damage was supposed to take care of herself without this money, the Mr Douché replied, “She’s always welcome to return here as a greeter.”
What the Easter Bunny does the other 364 days of the year
Happy Easter! I was going to post something about the Catholic Church, but I’m not in a particularly blasphemous mood today. Here’s a eye-opening documentary about what the Easter Bunny does the other 364 days of the year. Enjoy!
Eiffel Tower spices up anniversary with giant French Tickler
PARIS, France - After a 120 years of gracing the Parisian skyline, the Eiffel Tower has decided to celebrate its anniversary with the city of Paris by adding a giant French tickler to the end of its shaft, effectively doubling the size of its “observation deck“.
Said the Eiffel Tower, “After all these years, I realized my affair with ze City was in a rut. It’s not easy for 120 year old structure to keep the spark in his relationship, no? In ze old days, my size and stiffness alone used to be enough to make ze City squeal with delight, sometimes two or three Cities at a time if you know what I mean. Lately, however, it’s not been enough, but with my new anniversaire surprise, ze City will surely go ooh la la once more.”
When asked why he chose the French tickler, the Tower replied, “I considered a beret or giant cock ring, but those seemed cliché. I ultimately felt a French tickler would add ze most joi de vivre.”
When asked to comment on its upcoming anniversary, Paris replied, “The two of us have been together for a long, long time. Our relationship lately has turned a bit stale. I don’t know what surprise the Tour Eiffel has in store for the big night, but I hope it’ll reignite the spark we once shared.”
Cuba lifts computer ban, orders 3 million Video Professor lessons
HAVANA, Cuba - After taking over the presidential reins from older brother Fidel in late February, Raul Castro announced the unrestricted lifting of a ban on computer ownership, and to speed up his country’s adoption of computer technology, he’s ordered 5 million online lessons from the world renown educator, the Video Professor.
Due to a weak power infrastructure, individual ownership of computers and other electronic devices had previously been banned, but based on an increased availability of electricity and a desire to improve the lives of its citizens, Cuba has decided to lift this ban.
Said Cuban Minister of Education Luis Ignacio Gómez Gutiérrez,”No longer will America be the only country that benefits from the teachings of the all-knowing Video Professor. In just a few short lessons, our citizens will master such skills as Windows 98, Wordperfect 10, online travel, and Ebay.”
When asked why Video Professor was chosen over other educational choices, Gutiérrez replied, “We evaluated other alternatives, like sending our citizens to Devry University, but the facts on the videoprofessor.com website speak for themselves:
- Fast, simple teaching method
- No classes to attend, no manuals to read
- Interactive computer lessons
- Learn at your own pace
- A do-it-yourself class online
With over 8 million people taught, we felt that Video Professor was more than up to the task of training our comrades. Also, we liked the way Video Professor handles dissidents.”
‘2 Girls 1 Cup’ Starlet drops out of sequel ‘2 Girls 1 Large Gravy Boat’
SÃO PAULO, Brazil - In a surprising announcement today, Juliana Verga, the star of the original Internet film sensation 2 Girls 1 Cup has dropped out of talks to reprise her role in the upcoming sequel 2 Girls 1 Large Gravy Boat. The following statement was released through Verga’s publicist, “Juliana’s current schedule makes it impossible to star in the upcoming sequel. Miss Verga, a serious method actor, spent months getting into character for the original, and worried about not having the same amount of time to properly prepare for the sequel. This decision was completely amicable, and the Juliana looks forward to working with Marco [Fiorito] on future projects.”
In a later interview, Juliana gave the following comment,”I felt that the new screenplay strayed too far from the artistic vision of the original. While reading the new script, I kept asking myself, ‘What is my character’s motivation for drinking pee and vomit from a gravy boat?
Bill Gates, Twin Galaxies refuse to certify Buffet’s ‘High Score’
REDMOND, Washington - It was recently revealed in Forbes Magazine that Warren Buffet has surpassed a record that Bill Gates has held for 13 years. In a controversial move, however, record certification authority Twin Galaxies has refused to recognize Buffet’s achievement.
Conspiracy theorists believe that Twin Galaxies referee Walter Day acted on the direct orders of previous record holder Bill Gates, calling into question the integrity of the game record keeping industry.
When asked to comment on the matter, recognized champion Bill ‘Perfect Score’ Gates responded, “I had nothing to do with the Twin Galaxies decision. I’m all for competition, but I’ve never heard of this guy Warren Buffet. If he wants to challenge my record, he has to do it live, in an approved venue, and have it witnessed by Twin Galaxies official Walter Day.
When asked for comment, Buffet responded, “Aw shucks, I’m not going to give up. I’ll do whatever it takes to beat the record fair and square.”
Bill Gates, Billy Mitchell, Donkey Kong, King of Kong, Richest Man, Steve Wiebe, Warren Buffet, Walter Day
Hillary apologizes, tosses Spitzer support to Obama
Washington D.C. - Today, in response to criticism over the dirty and underhanded tactics used in her fight for the Democratic Presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton apologized, and in a show of goodwill, asked Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York to toss his support towards the Obama campaign. Said Hillary,”Why not let bygones be bygones. I’m sorry for the actions of both myself and my staffers, and would like to run the rest of the campaign in an upright, positive manner. I can’t undo all of the damage that I’ve inflicted, but hopefully Governor Spitzer’s endorsement will help.”
Barak Obama, Campaign, Election, Eliot Spitzer, Hillary Clinton, Prostitution Ring
American Airlines launches “At Least Our Planes Won’t F*cking Kill You” Promotion
FORT WORTH, Texas - In response to rival Southwest Airline’s record $10.2 million FAA fine for severe safety violations, American Airlines introduced their new “At Least Our Planes Won’t Fucking Kill You” promotion. Key features of the new plan include faster checkins, reduced delays, and transporting passengers to the desired destination without plunging them from the sky in a fiery inferno.
Says AA spokesperson Carleen Harris, “Today’s customers are sophisticated individuals with complex needs. Our extensive market research has revealed that customers want fast service and lots of available flights, but above all, we here at American Airlines have discovered that they want planes that won’t fucking kill them.”
In recent years, media darling Southwest Airlines has thrived as their competitors, including American Airlines, have suffered. Southwest’s success is based on a low-cost business model, great corporate culture, shrewd management, and of course, neglecting to properly inspect and service their air fleet.
American Airlines, Southwest Airlines, FAA, Texas, Safety, Inspection
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