Wal-Mart wins lawsuit with brain damaged employee, worst company in the world award
BENTONVILLE, Arkansas - After successfully suing mentally disabled former employee Debbie Shank for her medical lawsuit winnings. Wal-Mart today received notice that they are the recipient of the prestigious 2008 World’s Worst Company Award, more commonly known as the Nobel Prize for assholes.
“This is a huge deal”, says Wal-Mart spokesperson Brad Douché. “They don’t hand this award out to just any company. The winning company has to be callous, oblivious to their impact on the world, and the biggest bunch of assholes in the world that year. It takes the kind of company that anticipates the bad publicity their actions will result in, and despite that, says fuck it. And we here at Wal-Mart are honored to be that company.”
When asked to comment on Wal-Mart’s special achievement, Debbie’s husband remarked, “Walmart certainly deserves this award. The Worst Company in the World, that is, not the money that was set aside for my poor brain damaged wife’s long term care. We’d hoped that Wal-Mart would show some mercy and let us keep our settlement money to help care for Debbie, but in the end they showed why they truly deserve this award. The Worst Company in the World, that is, not my wife’s savings…Oh dear God our lives are ruined!”
The competition for Worst Company in the World was stiff this year, but in the end, it was no contest. In addition to the lawsuit, Wal-Mart has also been known to lock employees in the store overnight, turn a blind eye to child labor, and goes so far as to take life insurance policies out on it’s own employees.
Former winners of this coveted prize are ExxonMobile, Halliburton, and Microsoft.
When asked how a woman with severe brain damage was supposed to take care of herself without this money, the Mr Douché replied, “She’s always welcome to return here as a greeter.”
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