News Flash: Funeral home staff pry gun from Heston’s cold dead hands
LOS ANGELES, California - Spokesman for the Heston family announced today that Hollywood legend Charlton Heston’s rifle was finally pried from his cold dead hands on Saturday night at the age of 84. The spokesman declined to comment on the cause of Heston’s death.
When asked to comment on the difficulty of removing said weapon, Shady Oaks Funeral Home mortician Carl Smith stated, “Once I got past the rigamortis it wasn’t difficult at all. I just peeled back his fingers, and pulled his rifle right out.”
Funeral plans have not yet been finalized, but Heston’s body is expected to be processed into soylent green wafers and fed to the populace early this week. More as this story develops.
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A letter of condolence to the family of Charlton Heston, 4/5/2008
On behalf of the American people and others from other countries, we wish to extend our deepest condolences to the family, of Charlton (Chuck) Heston for their loss. Chuck will be missed by so many of us. He was a loving father, a loyal friend, a statesman and a authentic actor. Heaven now has what we lost, and may God bless the family, especially his loving wife for so many wonderful years of love.
America has given another one of its “Crown Jewels” to God and his name is Charlton Heston!
NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM
Judah Ben-Hur
Ambassador
The American Republic
Diplomatic Mission: North America