Help Me Stop Fucking Matt Damon!
I heard this song about a week ago, and ever since, I’ve been unable to get it out of my head. Sure, it’s catchy, but how’s a full blooded heterosexual male supposed to explain to his co-workers that he’s humming a song titled “I’m Fucking Matt Damon?” Any ideas on how to get a song out of your head?
Here’s Jimmy’s musical response. While not nearly as catchy, it’s still pretty damn funny.
Matt Damon, Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel, Ben Affleck
McCain vows to stop McCain violation of McCain-Feingold if elected
In a surprise press release on Tuesday, Republican front runner John McCain vowed to close loopholes in the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act (also known as the McCain-Feingold Act) if he is elected. Many critics have gone after the Republican candidate for securing a campaign loan using his future matching funds eligibility as collateral, then claiming that he wasn’t bound by restrictions connected with those funds.
“It boils my blood to see loopholes in the McCain Feingold Act exploited, and if I’m elected, I promise to fix the law, making future elections as fair as possible. The exploitation by the current Republican frontrunner completely violates the spirit in which this law was authored. I might not be able to do anything about this exploitation now, but if I’m elected, this egregious practice will be outlawed.”, says McCain.
Says a McCain supporter Carleen Hozier, “Senator McCain has a long reputation for being a straight talker and a maverick. I know if he’s elected, he’ll put a stop to all these dirty campaign financing tricks.”
When asked by a reporter why he couldn’t just stop what he’s doing during the campaign, McCain replied that he’d have to check on his position with his staff, then bowed out of the conference for a nap.
John McCain, Republican, Election, Scandal, Campaign, Politics
Dead Celebrity Action Figures
This week, Mattel released Joker action figures from the upcoming Batman flick The Dark Knight featuring recently deceased actor Heath Ledger. Released a mere week after Ledger’s funeral, 
both Mattel and Ledger’s family deny they’re exploiting Heath’s untimely death for profit. Despite this claim, experts believe these figures will be hot collectibles.
It’s in this same entrepreneurial spirit that EvilKarl.com releases its own line of dead celebrity action figures:
- Elvis Presley Dead-on-a-Toilet collector’s edition
- Marilyn Monroe Drug Barbiturate Overdose play set
- Tupac Shakur Drive-by Shooting action figure
- Steve Irwin, Oh Crikey! I just got stung by a stingr…action figure
- Lady Diana paparazzi crash scene (includes tierra, drunk chauffeur)
- Michael Hutchence autoerotic asphyxiation play set (includes belt, no clothing)
- Kurt Cobain action figure complete with and shotgun and skull fragments
- John F. Kennedy Jr can’t fly worth shit play set (wife and sister-in-law sold separately)
- Sharon Tate mass murder crime scene (Complete with police tape, authentic stab wounds, dead fetus)
- Britney Spears Untimely Death action figure (Comes with several possible accessories, drug overdose, wrecked Mercedes, razor blade) Buy it before it’s gone!
Heath Ledger, Britney Spears, Lady Diana, Celebrity, Death, Batman, Action Figure
Ralph Nader to Cock Block Democrats in ‘08
In a surprise announcement, 74 year old political activist Ralph Nader revealed his plans to once again cock block the Democratic candidate in the 2008 United States Presidential Election.
In a brief statement from Nader, “Ever since Perot did it to the Republicans in ‘92, I’ve made it my life’s dream to spoil not one, but two US Presidential elections. It’s with this goal that I proudly announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America.”
Many believe that it was Nader’s 2000 candidacy that ultimately handed the 2000 election to President George W. Bush. However, since the 2000 election, Ralph seems to have lost some of his spoiling mojo, garnering only 0.3% of votes in the 2004 race.
Says Nader, “I first got into politics to make a difference with consumer rights and the environment, but along the way, I discovered that presidential cock blocking is just plain fun. I mean, you have no idea what kind of rush it is - I still get a boner every time I see Al Gore on television. ”
When asked if he has any reservations, considering the impact of his last success, Nader replied: “God no. You haven’t lived until you’ve spoiled at least one major US election, and I don’t want to die without experiencing that rush one more time.”
Ralph Nader, Election, Spoiler, President, Al Gore, Politics, Democrat
Blackest Substance Discovered
Scientists have discovered a substance that is 30 times darker than the previous record holder. Constructed from sheets of carbon nanotubes, this material, known as ajayanite, traps virtually all light that touches it. This discovery will have useful applications in the fields of electronics and solar energy.
When asked for a comment, previous record holder Shaft replied: “That’s some cold shit, just throwing me out like that. Everyone knows Shaft is the biggest, baddest, blackest substance in the known universe. I demand a black-off”
When confronted with this challenge,
Science, Discovery, Blackest, Darkest, Shaft
Womb with a View
Ladies, are you tired of having babies the old fashioned way? Tired of morning sickness, maternity leaves, weight gain, and unsightly stretch marks? Why wait 9 months to hand off your baby to a nanny when you can start at conception?
Now there’s a better way…Outsource your baby birthing to India!
It’s a widely known fact that there’s no job that an American can do that can’t be done better and dirt cheap by an Indian.
But how does it work? Here at WombRentals, we pride ourselves for having the roomiest, highest quality uteruses out there. We’ve equipped our wombs with a state of the art nutrition and child development system. And here at WombRentals, we have the highest baby satisfaction rate of any womb-for-rent service, so satisfied in fact, that many babies don’t want to leave. And for as little as $450/month, we’ll do all the hard work for you.
Here’s how it works:
1) Combine egg and sperm
2) Wait for miracle of life
3) Insert embryo into our proprietary patent pending receptacles
4) Wait 9 months, remove baby from receptacle, clean thoroughly
5) Meet your new bundle of joy!
Benefits:
o No more stretch marks
o Enjoy smoking and alcoholic beverages
o No more pesky mother/child bonding
o Accelerate your family planning with the “Family Pack”
Packages: (Starting at only $4000)
o Single baby package: 9 months of incubation, 1 guaranteed bouncing baby.
o Family Pack: 2 or more receptacles work in parallel to provide you with a ready made family. Special of the month: order two babies, get a third one free.
o Sweat Shop in a Box: If you’re looking for a turnkey solution to your child labor needs, then this is the package for you. Each sweatshop-in-a-box comes complete with 10 tiny handed workers bred from our best worker stock. Ready to work in just a few short years. Perfect for farms, factories, and chimney sweeping.
EK
Surrogate, Pregnancy, Outsourcing, India, Baby, Womb Rental
Welcome to EvilKarl.com
Congratulations! You have the privilege of experiencing my not-so-humble blog, EvilKarl.com. But what is it, you ask? Well, I don’t exactly know, but my primary goal is to entertain (myself mostly), and to provoke (mostly others). If you enjoy what you see, then hang around, add to the discussion, and join the dark side…or go fuck yourself. Either way.
Regards,
EK
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