We’ll see your black candidate, and raise you a black female candidate
Washington D.C. - Faced with Hillary’s sliding poll numbers, and Barak Obama’s increasingly inevitable Democratic party nomination, Republican sources today floated the possibility of offering the Republican Vice Presidential slot to Secretary of State and black female Condoleezza Rice.
Said the source, “Dr. Rice has the perfect qualifications to run against either Barak or Clinton. She has years of verifiable foreign policy experience, she is a distinguished professor, and she combines the best of both worlds: she’s black AND a woman. How can the Democrats compete with that?”
When asked about Condi for Vice President, an high level official from the McCain camp responded, “Senator McCain could easily beat Hillary by himself. Outside of her core supporter group, who doesn’t hate her. To run against Barak, however, we need a secret weapon. With a McCain/Rice ticket you can quench your white liberal guilt while still fulfilling your crazy-old-man warmongering needs.”
Analysts believe that a McCain/Rice ticket could prover popular with independents. Independent Philadelphia voter Carleen Wakowski stated,”I really like John McCain, but Barak’s so inspiring. However, with with equally inspiring Condi on the ticket, I can definitely see myself voting for McCain. And with McCain being such an old candidate [McCain is 73], Condi could actually serve as President someday.”
When asked what the Republican contingency plan is should Dr. Rice decline the nomination, the unnamed Republican source responded, “We’re looking for a cross between a Latino and an Eskimo.”
Hillary apologizes, tosses Spitzer support to Obama
Washington D.C. - Today, in response to criticism over the dirty and underhanded tactics used in her fight for the Democratic Presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton apologized, and in a show of goodwill, asked Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York to toss his support towards the Obama campaign. Said Hillary,”Why not let bygones be bygones. I’m sorry for the actions of both myself and my staffers, and would like to run the rest of the campaign in an upright, positive manner. I can’t undo all of the damage that I’ve inflicted, but hopefully Governor Spitzer’s endorsement will help.”
Barak Obama, Campaign, Election, Eliot Spitzer, Hillary Clinton, Prostitution Ring
Desperate Hillary makes bid for Republican Ticket
Desperate at her faltering bid for the Presidency, Hillary threw her hat in the ring on Tuesday for the Republican Vice Presidential nomination. Said Hillary Clinton, “Before Republicans dismiss this as a some sort of conspiracy, they should hear me out. A bunch of stiff old white Republicans can’t effectively attack Barak without being accused of racism. That is where I come in. I can pull the woman card when the going gets tough, and since I’m married to a black man, I’m also immune to the race card.
Hillary continued, “In a show of good faith, I’ve already endorsed McCain for President, aired a textbook Republican fear mongering ad, accepted money from special interests, and even tried to start a smear campaign. Heck, I’ve been your secret weapon against Democrats all along.”
When asked her reasons for making this move, the candidate replied, “Bill and I miss the White House, and if, for any reason, Senator McCain cannot fulfill his duties as President of the United States, we’d be honored to step in and help”.
Update: Wednesday, March 5, 2008:
After winning elections in Texas, Ohio, and Rhode Island, a rejuvenated Clinton retracted her bid for the Republican ticket. Clinton declared, “Fuck the Vice Presidency, I’ll see you in November old man!”
Democrats, Election, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Nomination, Republicans, Vice President
Chelsea Clinton Deployed to Afghanistan
In a surprise announcement today, the Clinton Campaign revealed that Chelsea would be deployed to the front lines in Afghanistan, as part of the
Marine 24th Expeditionary Unit. The primary mission of the Unit’s 2200 troops is to confront Taliban insurgents and help to train Afghan soldiers. This deployment is scheduled for 7 months, giving Chelsea time plenty of time to get back for the November election.
In an amazing coincidence it was revealed earlier today that Prince Harry has been deployed in Afghanistan since December. The public reaction to this news has been very positive.
Opponents claim this a stunt by the Clinton Campaign to rally support in crucial upcoming Texas and Ohio elections. When asked about this accusations, Hillary responded furiously, “How dare you think that I’d exploit my daughter Chelsea for political gain. It’s always been Chelsea’s dream to fight for her country.”
Hillary had a similar reaction in early February when accused of pimping Chelsea for political gain.
In a brief press release from Chelsea, “Ever since the towers fell, it’s been my dream to fight for America. I’m honored to have this opportunity. I’m gonna go in and tear up some Taliban ass. Semper Fi, Do or Die! Oorah!”
Clinton, Chelsea, Prince Harry, Afghanistan, Election, Politics, Hillary
McCain vows to stop McCain violation of McCain-Feingold if elected
In a surprise press release on Tuesday, Republican front runner John McCain vowed to close loopholes in the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act (also known as the McCain-Feingold Act) if he is elected. Many critics have gone after the Republican candidate for securing a campaign loan using his future matching funds eligibility as collateral, then claiming that he wasn’t bound by restrictions connected with those funds.
“It boils my blood to see loopholes in the McCain Feingold Act exploited, and if I’m elected, I promise to fix the law, making future elections as fair as possible. The exploitation by the current Republican frontrunner completely violates the spirit in which this law was authored. I might not be able to do anything about this exploitation now, but if I’m elected, this egregious practice will be outlawed.”, says McCain.
Says a McCain supporter Carleen Hozier, “Senator McCain has a long reputation for being a straight talker and a maverick. I know if he’s elected, he’ll put a stop to all these dirty campaign financing tricks.”
When asked by a reporter why he couldn’t just stop what he’s doing during the campaign, McCain replied that he’d have to check on his position with his staff, then bowed out of the conference for a nap.
John McCain, Republican, Election, Scandal, Campaign, Politics
Ralph Nader to Cock Block Democrats in ‘08
In a surprise announcement, 74 year old political activist Ralph Nader revealed his plans to once again cock block the Democratic candidate in the 2008 United States Presidential Election.
In a brief statement from Nader, “Ever since Perot did it to the Republicans in ‘92, I’ve made it my life’s dream to spoil not one, but two US Presidential elections. It’s with this goal that I proudly announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America.”
Many believe that it was Nader’s 2000 candidacy that ultimately handed the 2000 election to President George W. Bush. However, since the 2000 election, Ralph seems to have lost some of his spoiling mojo, garnering only 0.3% of votes in the 2004 race.
Says Nader, “I first got into politics to make a difference with consumer rights and the environment, but along the way, I discovered that presidential cock blocking is just plain fun. I mean, you have no idea what kind of rush it is - I still get a boner every time I see Al Gore on television. ”
When asked if he has any reservations, considering the impact of his last success, Nader replied: “God no. You haven’t lived until you’ve spoiled at least one major US election, and I don’t want to die without experiencing that rush one more time.”
Ralph Nader, Election, Spoiler, President, Al Gore, Politics, Democrat
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