Great Karls in History
Perhaps no group is more under-represented in the online world as are the Karls of the world. As the first official post of EvilKarl.com, I intend to right that wrong. Karl’s are a diverse breed that count among their membership whites, blacks, Jews, Christians, scientists, the mentally challenged, cartoon characters, and an ass-load of German dudes. In the spirit of solidarity, I’ll even include Carls, the bastard children of the Karl world. Let’s celebrate the diversity of all Karl’s together, in no particular order.
1) Karl Stromberg (Bond Villain, The Spy Who Loved Me)
Before there was Dr. Evil, there was Karl Stromberg, Bond villain made famous in The Spy Who Loved Me. Born with webbed hands, and having a deep love of the sea, Karl strove to wipe out humanity via a nuclear holocaust and create a new underwater civilization. His hobbies include petting his white kitty and feeding his assistants to sharks (same as me). Evil mastermind or just misunderstood, we here at EvilKarl.com will refrain from passing judgement.
2) Karl Marx (1818-1883, Economist, Father of Communism)
Karl Marx was a 19th century philosopher, political economist, and revolutionary. As author of The Communist Manifesto, Marx is often referred to as the father of communism. An obscure figure in his own lifetime, Marxist philosophy casts a long shadow of influence on history. While many don’t agree with his philosophies, his position as the most influential Karl of all time cannot be denied.
3) Carl Jung (1875-1961, Founder of Analytical Psychiatry)
Carl Jung was a Swiss Psychiatrist best known for founding analytical psychology. He introduced the concepts of introversion and extroversion and defined psychological types, on which the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is based. He was responsible for a bunch of other important stuff that I couldn’t be bothered to read about, but trust me, this guy was a psychiatry pimp.
4) Carl Weathers (Actor, Rocky)
Carl Weathers is perhaps the greatest badass of all Karl’s. Born in New Orleans, Carl Weathers became a major movie actor after a fleeting pro football stint with the Oakland Raiders. Best known for his portrayal of Apollo Creed in the first four Rocky films, Carl is also known for his role in Predator, and his leading role in the box office flop Action Jackson. In recent years, Carl has proven his comedy chops on ‘Arrested Development’ as a cheapskate characature of himself. These appearances have led to Carl’s first movie role since 1992, in The Comebacks. Anyone who can beat Rocky in a movie called Rocky deserves an esteemed place in the annals of Karl History.
5) Karl Rove (Former Presidential Advisor, Dickhead Supreme)
Known as The Architect, Karl Rove was largely responsible George W. Bush’s rise from a underachieving, hard-drinking politician’s son to President of the United States. Behind the scenes machiavelli, Karl Rove is hands down the craftiest fellow on our list. Nothing is beyond Rove, including the alledged outing of CIA spy Valerie Plame in retaliation for her husbands whistleblowing on the White Houses dubious WMD evidence. Rove is also believed to have been involved in the firing of several US Attorneys for political reasons, and for the disappearance of emails in direct violation of the Presidential Records Act. It is for these reasons, that Karl Rove earns a place on this list.
6) Karl Pilkington (Ricky Gervais Sidekick, Author)
Karl Pilkington co-produces The Ricky Gervais Show podcast along with Ricky Gervais. So unique and ridiculous were Karl Pilkington’s observations about the world around him that Ricky Gervais has made it his mission to make him famous. Ricky has named Karl the funniest man on the planet, and we here at EvilKarl.com tend to agree with this assessment. With an IQ of 83, Karl’s mind is like that of a slow but curious child. Ridiculed by Ricky for having a “head like a fucking orange”, his unique observations include such nuggets as… “You never see a black ghost, do you?” and “In 2006, why are they still using the index finger?” (on prostate exams). Conspiracy theorists claim that Karl is a Ricky Gervais invention, but I honestly don’t think Ricky and Stephen Merchant could make this stuff up.
7) Carl Sagan (1934-1996, Astronomer, Writer, Skeptic)
Astronomer, writer, populizer of science, Carl Sagan was all of these and a lot more. Sagan was Director of the Laboratory for Planetary Studies at Cornell University, and was a leader in early space exploration. Sagan was a great teacher and communicator, with the ability to “explain difficult concepts in understandable terms”. He promoted the use of radio telescopes in the search for extraterrestrial life and was a member of the SETI Institute Board of Trustees. Carl was a tireless promoter of skeptical inquiry and a firm believer in the scientific method. A recipient of too many awards to list here, Carl received awards for both his scientific and humanitarian contributions to society. This is one Carl that did us proud.
“Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence”
-Carl Sagan
8) Carl Nicholas Karcher (1917-2008, Carl’s Jr. Founder, Raiser of Cholesterol)
Although Carl Nicholas Karcher may not be a household name, the restaurant he founded (Carl’s Jr./Hardees) is part of everyone’s vocabulary. Any guy who made possible creations like the 1420 calorie Monster Thickburger deserves a place in Karl history. We’ll ignore his douchebag politics, like donating a million dollars to support a proposed law to ban all gays and lesbians from working in public schools. I may not like your politics Mr. Karcher, but I just can’t quit your Monster Thickburger.
9) Karl Malone (NBA Player, Postal Worker)
Named the NBA’s Most Valueable Player three times in his 19 year career, and posessing the second highest points total in the NBA, Karl Malone is known as The Mailmain for his incredible consistency. Karl is considered one of the best NBA players to never win a championship, thanks mostly to a guy named Michael Jordan. Many considered his physical playing style “dirty”, with more hospitalizations caused than any other player in history, but in sports the only thing that ultimately matters is winning, and Karl delivered wins with impunity.
10) Carl Wilson (1946-1998, Beach Boys)
Carl Wilson, singer and guitarist, co-founded The Beach Boys with his older brothers Brian and Dennis. Carl’s voice is featured on Beach Boys hits Good Vibrations, Darlin’, and Wild Honey. After Brian Wilson’s retirement from the band in 1965, Carl became the de facto leader of the band, both on stage and in the studio. With these musical credentials, Carl Wilson is hands down the best Karl musician of all time. No, don’t mail me about some reknown German composer named Karl who you believe is better. I’m talking about Rock and Roll son, the only real music worth mentioning.
11) Carl Lewis (Olympic Gold Medalist, Fast Motherfucker)
Carl Lewis was winner of multiple Olympic medals including 9 gold and 1 silver medals. Considered the best sprinter of his generation, Carl’s career spanned 17 years, remaining competitive until the very end. Carl Lewis stands proud as the fastest Carl (or Karl for that matter) that every lived.
12) Carl Carlson (The Simpsons)
A man of few words, and the only guy on this list with Carl in his name twice, Carl Carlson is both a coworker and one of Homer’s best friends since childhood. Carl is a Buddhist with a masters degree in nuclear physics, fond of drinking and hanging out at Moe’s Tavern. While rumors remain unconfirmed, Carl might just be the most famous gay black Karl on this list, due to his unusually close relationship with Lenny.
13) Carl Sandberg (1878-1967, American Poet, Novelist)
Born in Galesburg, Illinois, Carl Sandberg was one of the greatest American poets of his generation. Over the course of his career, Sandberg won two Pulitzer Prizes, one for his biography of Abraham Lincoln, the other for a collection of his poetry. I’m not a huge fan of poetry, but Sandberg’s achievements prove that even Karls can be right-brained.
“Nothing happens unless first we dream.”
-Carl Sandberg-
14) Karl Childers (Sling Blade, Potato Lover)
Portrayed in Sling Blade by famed actor Billy Bob Thornton, Karl Childers is probably the most famous mentally retarded Karl (not counting Karl Pilkington). After killing his mother and her lover at the age of 12, Karl spent years in a mental institution. A man of few words, mechanical savant, and potato lover, Karl was released years later, only to murder again, this time with a lawnmower blade.
“I don’t reckon I got no reason to kill nobody. Mmm.“
-Karl Childers, Sling Blade
15) Carl Winslow (Family Matters)
Receiving an honorable mention on our list is fictional character Carl Winslow, father in the long running Family Matters, and playing the straight man to Steve Urkel’s antics. Sure, the show was utter shit, but we Karls (real and fictional) have to stick together.
16) Carl Brutanananadilewski (Neighbor, Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
Our list would not be complete without classic rock listening, porn watching, New York Giants loving, high school dropout Carl Brutanananadilewski of Aqua Teen Hunger Force Fame. Of all the Carls on our list, perhaps no one has suffered more than this Carl. Although he’s had his skin ripped off, shot himself in the foot, been raped by Handbanana, and outright killed on occasion, Carl always comes back for more in each episode.
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